Every page of this insightful journey that Dr. Shefali Tsabary ushers us into demands deep reflection. Her words are likely to evoke the inevitable pangs of guilt—especially in those of us raising slightly older children.This book shatters the myth that parenting is an entitlement earned by biology. We often believe we own our children simply because they are born “from our blood and sweat.” But the profound truth—visible only to minds open to growth—is that our children have come only through us, not from us.This illusion of entitlement often becomes an excuse to exert control, to reclaim the authority we may feel denied elsewhere. And unfortunately, our children become the easiest recipients of this misplaced power.
The Conscious Parent is a powerful call to action. A call to turn the spotlight inward.
- Self-Awareness: The Starting Point
Dr. Tsabary urges us to trace our negative emotions to their roots, to reflect deeply and understand why we react the way we do. This inner work helps us disassociate from those behaviors and break the cycle—so we no longer hand over the same emotional baggage to our children.This isn’t easy. It’s laborious and humbling. But it’s the beginning of real change.
- Listening—Truly, Fully, Completely
Another piece I came across recently illustrated this beautifully.A soldier, returning from war, calls his parents and asks if he can bring a friend—someone who lost his legs in battle and has no one else to care for him. The parents hesitate and gently express that such a friend might be a burden. A couple of days later, they receive news of their son’s suicide.The “friend” was him. He had lost his legs. He needed acceptance. But he couldn’t say it directly.Had his parents truly heard him—if they had listened with their hearts and not just their ears—they may have read between the lines.Dr. Tsabary insists on being present—mentally, emotionally, and physically—when your child speaks. When your child talks to you with that spark in their eyes, listen. Listen as if those moments are fleeting—because they are.
- Partnering with Our Children: Not Managing Them
After reading the book, I made a major shift in my mornings with my younger son, who’s 4.Earlier, I would rush him through the school routine. While we made it to the bus stop on time, it was often at the cost of my temper and his tears. He would dawdle. I would scold. He would resist more. And the cycle continued.Then I changed one thing—I simply added more time to our mornings.Now, with more space to breathe, we remain on schedule without the pressure. And I added a reward: if he finishes early, he gets to read Geronimo Stilton or play with his Avenger toys. We both feel lighter. And the morning becomes a moment of connection rather than conflict.Every child runs at their own pace. Expecting them to stretch beyond that rhythm takes time—and patience.
- This Journey Isn’t About Raising a Child… But Raising Ourselves
Parenting, as Tsabary says, is not about molding a child. It’s about transforming the parent.It’s about realizing this relationship is ephemeral, and precisely because of that—it’s precious. Our children are not ours to own. They are individuals on their own journey.I bought The Conscious Parent when my elder son was just 3. I was new to this world, full of enthusiasm and fear. Some pages made me cry—out of guilt, helplessness, and revelation. And yet, I kept reading.Even now, years later, I stumble. But now I stumble with awareness. I rebound with more mindful words, thoughts, and actions.I now read a few paragraphs each day—not as a routine, but as a ritual. A ritual to remind myself that I’m not raising a child.I’m raising a parent.